37 weeks today at 36 years old with baby number 3, gender TBD... It feels like it's taken an eternity to get to this point and flown by at the same time, how is that possible?! As soon as I got pregnant with this baby I started hearing everyone say that the 3rd baby is the wildcard. So far this has been very true for this little one. We were surprised with our little "Valentine" (the name I gave him/her on my pregnancy app for obvious reasons...Thank you mom for the overnight date night btw) the same month I weaned my 2-year-old. Our heads are still spinning at the realization that we will soon be outnumbered but we are so excited nonetheless!!
The day after we got our positive pregnancy test I started spotting, which is something I'd never experienced before except in an early miscarriage I had 2 months prior. None of my other pregnancies have ever been marked by much fear or worry but has been something I've battled a lot throughout this pregnancy. It has opened my eyes to how deeply miscarriage can affect a mother, regardless of how far along in the process the loss occurs. The spotting led me to reach out to a local midwife who recommended blood work which indicated low levels of progesterone leading us to start a higher dose progesterone supplementation. I've had spotting on and off throughout this pregnancy which we have monitored, but has been scary nonetheless, so you can imagine the joy we have felt making it to this point in the pregnancy. We are at term!!
In addition to the spotting and progesterone supplementation (which has had its own degree of side effects with me being super sensitive to synthetic hormones), I have battled SPD (Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction) which has completely changed my activity level during this pregnancy. Being a super active person, runner, gym-goer, this has been a huge adjustment. I'm so thankful for my Webster certified chiropractor who I have seen 2 times a week since around 20 weeks and my Birth Boot Camp core exercises (which I teach in my Food and Fitness for the Childbearing Year workshop) that have allowed at least some level of activity. The program is developed for pregnancy and can be tailored to almost any level on the days when I can barely move.
I've decided to spend a little time each day for the remainder of this pregnancy documenting the things I'm experiencing since we are in the home stretch. As many of you know, these last couple of weeks from term to due date to delivery, the "place of in between" as one of my favorite pregnancy blogs has termed it, can be really trying on an expecting mother's patience. I knew I needed something to keep my mind in a positive place and, as an outward processor, writing has always been therapeutic for me. So this blog post is mostly for me, but I'm so thankful for anyone who wants to follow along. And it would be a huge bonus for me to get to encourage any other mamas in this same place with me!
I'm hurting everywhere, especially in my back and hips, baby's head, which thankfully has been in the vertex or head-first position for a while now, feels like it's constantly squashing my bladder, sleep feels like something I used to do in a past life, and I've been experiencing tons of Braxton Hicks contractions (the noticeable, some even uncomfortable, feels-like-the-real-thing kind) for 2 weeks now.
Impatience, something I've never experienced this early on, is definitely something I'm battling these days but this morning I woke up with a different resolve. I'm determined to finish this season out well. I'm going to enjoy every bit of these last couple of weeks of my last pregnancy, enjoy every bit of time with my two boys (ages 2 and 5), and take every moment in. I'm going to stay busy, plan things that are enjoyable for me, rest, eat well, write this blog and try not to complain! You guys feel free to hold me to that not complaining part!
We've decided to try for our first homebirth after two birth center births and I have a wonderful midwife who has been so patient with me as I've worked through all of the ups and downs and my fears about this pregnancy. My birth kit has arrived and my baby room is done after a huge nesting urge hit this past week, and now we are actively waiting. I pulled out all of my boy clothes since that's what I had and, if a little girl decides to grace us (or shock us) with her presence, I've got 2 sisters and tons of friends who have recently had baby girls that I know would help a girl out. Waiting to find out the gender has been so much fun and surprisingly easy for my type A personality. I always heard it helps in labor having that exciting anticipation and any little thing that can help in labor, I'm game! That's pretty much it for now. Thanks again for following along!
Just heard from my midwife that my Group B Strep test, which is usually drawn around 36 weeks, came back negative!!! This is always great news to hear because I was GBS positive with my first baby and it definitely made going into labor feel a little more concerning because of the risks to the baby. I have learned a lot about GBS over the years and honestly believe there are ways to help prevent GBS colonization through diet and promoting good gut health with pre and probiotic supplementation. So thankful for this good report!!
Had my 37 week appointment today. Everything looks good and baby is doing well. She estimated his/her weight to be around 6.5 lbs at this point. I got my birth pool that I rented so that I can labor in water if I need to. We talked about some hormonal highs and lows I’ve been having this week and started talking about options for dealing with postpartum depression which is something I battled after my 2nd baby. I’m thankful she’s being proactive to already discuss this with me so I can be prepared. As part of my prevention plan, I’m thinking about encapsulating my placenta to have on hand just in case. I encapsulated my placenta with my first baby and had substantially less hormonal issues than with my second so, again, just wanting to utilize as many tools as possible to prevent PPD which should never be taken lightly!
I taught a Comfort Measures workshop this morning to two other couples who are due within days of my due date. Last night, while I was prepping for the class, I went over a lot of the information with my husband as he will be using many of the strategies we cover in this class. We practiced the double hip squeeze again and options for providing counter pressure, different ways that I'd like him to use the Rebozo, and different methods of communication that I have found helpful in the past. We also went over different labor positions again just so that he can help me stay moving and active in order to make labor as productive as possible. The workshop was really wonderful and, with baby due any day now, I felt like I was soaking in the information along with my couples.
My sweet friend and babysitter offered to watch my boys this weekend as a baby gift for us so, after the workshop, my husband and I got away to Houston for a little "baby moon" where we were able to get a nice hotel, eat a LOT, shop a LOT, and explore some of the parks while we were there. I'm feeling more of a need to keep busy and active to help keep my mind off of the labor that is NOT happening yet, and this weekend away with my honey was just what I needed!
Crazy nesting energy has hit me today. I did a million loads of laundry, scrubbed the outside of my cabinets and kitchen walls, cleaned out my bathroom cabinets and rearranged my silverware drawer. I also refolded all the towels in my linen closet. The starter button on my dryer broke halfway through my last load and I almost had a panic attack but instead focused my energy on Youtubing and attempting to fix the dang piece which I was haphazardly able to do, at least enough to finish my last load. We'll see how long my fix job lasts but I'm feeling very accomplished (and quite sore) after this day.
Today, one of our local hospitals was having a ribbon cutting ceremony to celebrate the renovation of their labor and delivery suite. This particular hospital has recently made a lot of changes towards providing more low-intervention birth options for expecting families so I was happy to go support the event. I also wanted to get a tour of the L&D floor as this will be my backup birth place should a transport become necessary. I always encourage my students who are birthing at home or in a birth center to have their back-up plan in place because birth is unpredictable and can take a turn of events that might be different than what we planned. I just wanted to get a good picture in my mind of what this might look like to help alleviate the fear of the unknown. I was so impressed with the facilities and with the incredible staff. I'm very excited about birthing my baby in the comfort of my own home, and am extremely confident in my midwife's capabilities to help facilitate a safe and healthy delivery but, if a transport does become necessary, I know I will be in very good hands.
I had my 38 week appointment this morning and, apart from needing to drink a bit more water, everything is looking great! My midwife is estimating baby's weight to be around 7.5 lbs at this point. I had my appointment at my mom's house where my boys and I are staying while my husband is working this week. I love staying with my mom who spoils all of us way to much. I'm continuing to try and stay busy and active so we took a trip into Corpus to do some shopping and grab some lunch at a delicious local deli.
I'm having a really hard time sleeping the past couple of nights because of chest tightness that I only notice when I'm lying down. My midwife and I are monitoring things but feel like it's either a baby position thing or anxiety related (or a little of both) but today at my chiropractor I picked up a magnesium supplement that I will take right before bed. This mama needs some sleep!
The magnesium really seemed to help because I had a really good night's sleep last night. David is off today for the start of his 7 days off!!! We took the boys to a pumkin patch this morning and lunch at Peter Piper Pizza. David made dinner because after being out and on my feet all morning/afternoon I can barely move this evening.
Today I am officially 39 weeks!! I celebrated by going to get a much needed prenatal massage and then wobbled around the grocery store by myself for an hour! I feel like it will be another week before baby decides to come but we will see! The boys want football snacks for this evening so we are having a fun family night in! Oh, my water heater started going out a while ago which was NOT an option for me because I plan on trying for a water birth, or at least laboring in the water, so David hired a guy to come help replace that today. My hero!!
Church this morning, and I can only make it to the Worship service instead of Sunday School AND Worship. It's way too much sitting at this point. It's a huge ordeal to get ready for church these days and I'm down to 2 outfits I can wear comfortably but I'm glad we went. I'm needing constant reminders to trust that God is in control.
One of the hardest things about having to wait for baby right now, because we are having baby at home, is my tendency lately to be super OCD about the cleanliness of my house and feeling like it can't seem to get clean enough for me to have a baby here. Something I didn't anticipate when we were thinking about where to give birth. I'm so thankful my husband is off this week because he has been such a huge help in helping to get my to-do lists done and keeping things clean but I know I haven't been the most pleasant person to live with lately. I feel like one might feel when their house is on the market but they still live in it so have to constantly be ready for a showing. With two young boys who would live in mud if they could, even better if they were cohabitating with frogs and lizards, you can imagine how hard it is for me to feel like ANYTHING in my life stays clean for long. I literally have deep cleaned my house, including sweeping and mopping, each night after they are asleep for several days now. I'm really starting to think the chest tightness I've been having is probably related somehow and being caused by my own self-induced anxiety.
In an effort to "get out of my head" and stop freaking out about my home and whatever else I'm feeling anxious about subconsciously, we decided to take a little mini road trip to spend the night at my mom and dads today. We met them for lunch in Corpus and they took my boys home with them so my husband and I could go do some shopping. I was only able to make it through two stores before I was worn out but it was fun being alone together. I was able to pick out our outfits for a family newborn photo session which is another check off my checklist.
We had a lovely morning at my parents and then headed back home just in time to meet my midwife at our house for my 39 week appointment. Everything looked good and I feel so much better after our time away and after talking with her and hearing my sweet baby's heart beat.
Today was a really fun day, although I woke up super grumpy that I was still pregnant. My youngest sister came down from Dallas yesterday with her baby girl because she wants to be here for the birth and I've asked her to be my birth photographer. My other sister (who lives here in town) and I have a Thursday morning routine of meeting for coffee with our littles and going to library time but it was fun having all three of us together with our kiddos today. The library was having a Fire Safety Day outside and it was very enjoyable with the cold front that blew in this morning. I'm enjoying the cooler days so much. After library time, we went to Chick Filet and had lunch and then I took my family home for naps. A sweet friend made dinner for us and we just enjoyed a quiet evening at home and I savored not having to cook dinner. My husband pulled out his guitar and we had a little worship and prayer time which I'm needing so much these days.
My midwife recommended a Benadryl to help me sleep, in addition to a magnesium supplement, and I had a really good night's rest last night. I still woke up frustrated that I didn't have any signs of labor in the night but I'm just going with it and trying to stay positive. We had a slow morning, I did some (what they call) "school" with my boys while my husband paid bills and then we headed to the park nature trail with the boys' bikes. I haven't been able to walk much for a while now because of my SPD but today I was able to make it almost 2.5 miles, very slowly, but was amazed at how good it felt. I had an adjustment yesterday (I've been having two a week for a while now) and have been on my birth ball a lot lately so I'm wondering if baby has shifted and is not putting as much restriction on my pelvis causing the hip pain. Whatever it is, I'm thankful to have gotten the exercise. After lunch, I put my boys to sleep and sat down to watch Dan in Real Life and do some blogging and I started noticing that I was having pretty regular contractions. I've been having contractions on and off for about 3 weeks now but these felt different and more real for some reason. I just decided to pull out my contraction timer app and time a few. There's a really uneven pattern to them but they are definitely coming on more frequently and more patterned than they have all along. Just going to monitor them and see if they change. Not going to get super worked up about it. It could just be the walk that has brought them on stronger. My husband goes back to work tonight and I called my babysitter so I could go out with my mom and sisters for manicures and dinner this evening and so far, I'm going to keep with that plan, and hopefully these things will turn into something real. My due date is tomorrow and I have been telling people, with two other babies who came on their due date, I can't imagine it happening again because of how rare that is. But we will see and it would be very cool if it happened again!
So you're scrolling through Facebook when, all of a sudden, you see that run-for-a-cause event jump out at you. Such a good cause it is that you find yourself clicking the "going" option on the event. You even take the steps to register, choose your t-shirt size, put the date in your calendar and...you are in! You wouldn't consider yourself a runner but did some running in college and even enjoy the occasional run on the treadmill at the gym so you're confident that this should be easy and might even be fun. Plus it's for charity!
But then, you receive the event welcome email. You do a double-take and you feel your heart drop as you read the subject line: "You are now registered for the Run-For-a-Cause Marathon Race!" When registering, you had accidentally clicked the "marathon" option instead of the 5K you had planned to participate in. All of a sudden fear grips you. You can't run a marathon!! Isn't a marathon, like, twenty something miles long??!!! But you've already paid the non-refundable race fee and ordered your t-shirt!!! Oh well, what's a little sweat and a few extra miles when it's for a noble cause right? You've decided that you're just going to go with it, show up at the race and see what happens. Sound like a good plan?
So often I hear people say "I'm going to try for a natural birth", or "I'm just going to see what happens this first time". We all talk about how our bodies are meant to give birth so why shouldn't we be able to just show up to our birth place and "see what happens" and expect to have the natural birth we desire? Where there are times that this can happen, more times than not, new parents are surprised when things go differently than they had hoped during their birth experience. Why does this happen? It's not really like running a marathon, is it? Why would I need to train to do something that my body is biologically built to do?
One of the reasons I believe it's important to train for natural birth is because we have a system that is often set up for a one-size-fits-all type of birth often leading to interventions that could very well have been avoided with the right education and training. Labor must begin by this many weeks gestation, shouldn't exceed 12 hours in length, must be done in a bed, on your back...but the problem with this is that every birth is different and we have to learn to work with all of the variations of each individual birth instead of making each birth fit into a formula or making it more convenient for the birth team than for the mother and baby.
Birth is not a straight shot process. So often there are detours that we have to work through to get to the finish line and that doesn't always have to include medical interventions. With the right education and training, you (and Dad) can be provided with a road map that will present different routes to help you navigate your individual birth. These routes can include different laboring positions, relaxation techniques, comfort measures and natural pain relief methods, learning how to communicate your wishes with knowledge of informed consent, and learning how to choose a birth team that can cheer you on and go the distance with you, supporting your desire for a natural birth.
In Birth Boot Camp, we also train couples in the variations of labor and how to know when medical interventions might truly be necessary. If a true need for medication does arise, couples can step into that decision prepared with knowledge of informed consent, how to ask the right questions, weigh the risks vs. benefits and ultimately make the decision that is best for you and your birth.
I mentioned dad earlier and he is another really important reason to train for birth. Where this process often comes naturally for mom, it rarely does for dad. And we teach that dad is often your biggest ally in your birth. He is the one who knows you best, the one who will be the most in tune with you and your needs, which is why it's so important for HIM to be trained as well. He can learn different comfort measures to help support you during labor, learn ways to communicate with care providers and truly advocate for you in your birth, and to be the best birth coach he can be. This was such an invaluable tool for my husband to be able to go into our birth prepared and equipped.
Another reason to train and prepare for natural birth is because we tend to fear the unknown. Long ago, births were attended by mostly women. It would be common for little sister, aunt, cousin, or the next door neighbor to be present to help assist. These women were familiar with what birth looked like, having participated in that process, so when it was their time to give birth, it wasn't such a scary thing. For many of us, our only exposure to birth has come from movies and TV and what a shock that often is!! If you're ever needing an extra form of birth control, just go watch an hour of prime-time television and, more-than-likely, you'll see some traumatizing birth experience that will make you re-think your desire to have children! One of the most helpful components of my natural birth training was taking birth classes where I was able to see some wonderful, hand-selected birth videos with different scenarios, and then process them as a group. I also spent tons of time reading positive birth stories to help normalize the process in my mind. The more I did this, the more confident and the less fearful I felt in my ability to birth naturally.
In Birth Boot Camp, we teach that birth is 90% in your head. When you start to learn about birthing hormones and the incredible role they play in the birth process, and how stress hormones can greatly interfere with that process, this concept begins to make sense and you realize how important your thoughts about birth actually are. So training for birth means training your mind to relax through the different stages of labor and learning to combat the fear that so often hinders the birth process. We have a hard time relaxing in our day and age. I have students who come in saying they have no problem relaxing until we start our relaxation exercises. And then they realize how difficult it actually is, especially under stress.
Lastly, training for natural birth might include physical training where you learn how to properly fuel and condition your body for the "marathon" of labor. In my Birth Boot Camp Comprehensive class we provide weekly guidance and instruction in nutrition and fitness to help prepare your body for birth. I remember the very first time my birth instructor asked us to get into the "birthing squat". I was 27 weeks pregnant and had never been in that deep of a squat my entire life. It was extremely difficult to say the least! But by the end of our series, after weekly practice, it got to where it was almost comfortable. I'm so thankful for that time of training because when I was in active labor with my first, my body naturally gravitated to that position which is one the most optimal for opening the pelvic cavity and bringing baby down. My legs didn't tire out like they would have if I wouldn't have trained. And because of the weekly accountability and guidance I received in my nutrition, my body was properly fueled to provide the stamina I needed for labor.
Of course you wouldn't show up to that 26.2 mile marathon race without properly training. You would probably run to the nearest bookstore to buy all the running books and training guides you could find. You would start shopping for good running shoes and gear. You would want to start a weekly running plan where you were working your way up in mileage. You would adjust your diet and up your hydration to prep for the big day. You might even find a running buddy to help stay motivated during the process. Why not approach your desire for a natural birth with this same mentality? Birth Boot Camp is all about training for birth, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Sign up for birth classes and don't just try for that natural birth...train for it!
I never saw myself being able to breastfeed this long and never planned to. I honestly was one of the ones who thought it was a little odd seeing moms breastfeeding their toddlers. But then I started reading the research on nursing past infancy and learning the recommendations and realized it was actually normal in many parts of the world with so many extended benefits for baby AND mom. But I still didn't think that would ever be us. With my firstborn, I struggled a lot with milk supply barely making it to 9 months before having to supplement. I’ve done things very differently this second time around (another post on this later) and here we are, 2 years in, and still going strong! Breastfeeding at this stage is so different, and some days are harder than others, but there are a lot of things I love about breastfeeding a 2-year-old. Here is a list of 7 of them.
1) Because toddlers and germs. Enough said!
With little hands constantly exploring, picking up bugs, playing in toilet water, sticking hands in the dogs mouth, snacking on french fries off the fast-food floor, these little people need lots of extra help boosting those immune systems to fight off the endless germs they are exposing themselves to. Mama's milk is amazing in its ability to add an extra defense making them healthier and even less prone to allergies. Even when my little one does get sick, it seems to be more mild and shorter lived. And I'm "milking" the extended immunity I'm getting as well while my lactating body works harder to keep me healthy for this job.
2) Because sometimes kissing the boo-boo just isn't enough.
Everyone knows that 2-year-olds can have their share of bumps and bruises as they're still trying to figure out those new feet and awkward little bodies of theirs. My youngest is a climber and extremely fearless, but also extremely clumsy. And sometimes kissing the boo-boos after the fall just doesn't cut it. I've loved having this toddler comfort measure at my disposal (along with an endless supply of band aids) when my little guy hurts himself for the thousandth time that day, or just needs some reassurance that, no, his world is not falling apart and everything is going to be ok.
3) Because nursing through the "terrible twos" has made them not so terrible.
I've nursed two boys...my first until 9 months of age and my youngest who is still loving his milk at two years old. As soon as my firstborn started approaching those testy twos, it made almost every minute of our day as challenging as humanly possible. And to make it even harder, it was a very rare occasion for me to even get a snuggle in amidst the craziness, the tantrums, and his independence at that stage. With my youngest, even though we still have our challenging two-year-old moments, being able to reconnect with him through nursing has made this very difficult stage not so unbearable. And having that sweet bond helps so much. There is nothing like a breastfeeding-induced oxytocin boost to help mama forgive and (almost) forget that mega embarrassing grocery store tantrum that was thrown earlier that day and to make those very big 2-year-old feelings melt away.
4) Because I get to savor the baby moments a little bit longer.
I remember the hardest part about weaning my 9-month-old was feeling like he went from baby to little boy almost immediately. Part of that could have been his personality and the fact that he is very independent, but part of me struggled with the fact that he no longer needed me for his nourishment and, in that way, had “grown up” a bit. In a culture that moves so fast and often requires our kids to keep up and develop at lightning speeds, I love that breastfeeding into the toddler years forces my youngest and I on a daily basis to slow down, reconnect, rock, nurse, and snuggle a bit before getting back into go-mode. These little humans grow up so fast but I'm savoring the precious moments and the baby in him a little bit longer.
5) Because I don't have to worry as much about a wishy-washy toddler appetite.
If you've spent any time dining with a toddler, you know that many of them have horrible eating habits! Jesus once said that "Man cannot live by bread alone", but I'm pretty sure my kids could if I let them. If it was up to them, they'd have biscuits for breakfast, hamburgers WITHOUT the meat for lunch, and garlic bread for dinner. And some days, they could probably try to get by without stopping to eat anything at all if I didn't bribe something down them. But with nursing, I can rest assured knowing my finicky toddler is getting SOME source of nutrients and calories in throughout his day, even if he did refuse his broccoli that day.
6) Because, the extra birth control.
So let’s face it. I’ve got two very spirited, energizer boys under the age of four who, most days, take every ounce of my energy just to keep alive! Where I would love another baby someday, I need these two to get to a point where they’re not daily trying to kill themselves or each other. I’m thankful that breastfeeding helps add a second form of birth control security until we are in a better place to add to our family.
7) Because I never know what he'll "bring to the table" (pun intended).
There's never a dull nursing session with a 2-year-old involved. My nursling is a busy boy with way too much world to explore but when he does need to take a "milk break", he usually brings along some sort of paraphernalia from his play. He has nursed wearing an oven mitt, with puzzle pieces in hand, while driving matchbox cars all over my face, and wearing a boot on one foot and a mitten on the other. Not to mention the nursing gymnastics while he attempts to nurse upside down. And then, it's always fun to find out what's going on in that little head of his during his milk time. He'll often unlatch just long enough to tell me something that seems very important at the time (usually really random and not making a bit of sense but really cute nonetheless). I love that nursing offers moments of conversation with my busy boy where I can see the wheels turning in that head of his as he's sorting through all the new experiences, words and phrases he's learning.
Now tune in next time while I share seven things I DON'T love about breastfeeding a 2-year-old ;). In all seriousness, it isn't always easy and I could definitely come up with several items on that list. But for now, the good still outweighs the bad for both my boy and I so we will continue to press on.
So many of us enter parenthood with all of these ideas and expectations of what it's going to be like. Being a bonafide, bossy, firstborn who struggles with perfectionism and is a bit of a control freak, motherhood has been a huge, eye opening experience for me. Wonderful beyond what I ever expected but eye-opening nonetheless.
From the moment I was in labor with my first baby, my freshly typed birth plan in hand. This "plan" included no family members present besides my husband, limited checks for dilation, no AROM (artificial rupture of membranes), and a water birth like the ones I'd seen in all the birth videos. Let's just say my first birth turned out very differently than I had planned!
I'm thankful that my mom is as stubborn as I am and insisted on being in the waiting room because it wasn't long before I was begging for her to be there! And after 17 hours of labor I was begging my midwives to check me and break my dad-gum waters! And water birth? Nope! Didn't happen! My first, very real motherhood lesson in loosening my grip on MY plan and letting go of my expectations and sense of control (which is a huge key factor in managing labor that I really didn't grasp until my second time around).
Here is a list of some other difficult areas where I've had to loosen my grip in my first few years since becoming a mother...
1. Cleanliness and the Model Home
I'm convinced that I grew up with a mom who never got tired. In addition to being a mom of 3 girls, she had a full time job running our family bookstore, helped my dad manage our farm on nights and weekends, taught the children's choir at church, always had time to chat, and kept our home immaculate and always smelling like roses and laundry detergent. It was the kind of home you loved coming home to. It felt peaceful and warm and inviting.
I've worked and worked to create a home atmosphere like that. I love having a clean house. Nothing brings order and sanity to my frazzled brain like a made bed, vacuum lines in the carpet, and the smell of purple Fabuloso. But in reality, I stay home with two precious, but very high-maintenance, full-of-energy, always hungry, frog-chasing, mud-puddle-splashing little boys. And the second I attempt to bring order to some corner of my house, another corner is simultaneously destroyed! And living with all boys, I've resolved myself to the fact that there will always be weird, mysterious smells lurking about.
So how have I coped? Cue the music, Elsa: "Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door!"
My husband and I have come to the agreement that during the day, momma keeps the boys alive, fed, and engaged in some kind of learning if the day allows it. And if that means closing a door to hide the clutter, so be it! And then after their bedtime, I can regain just enough order that allows me to sleep at night which usually means toys are picked up, floors are swept and dishes are done.
2. Perfectly Behaved Children
I was an elementary teacher for seven years before I had children. It was mentioned on several of my evaluations that I had "good classroom management skills". So, of course, when we started planning for kids of our own, I had no doubt that managing my own children was going to be a piece of cake!
And then my Clay came along. He was one month old when we decided to venture out to Kohl's for our first solo shopping trip (and so I could show him off to the world) only to end up having a sweet elderly lady hugging my frazzled self in the middle of the aisle, telling me it would all get easier, while my baby screamed his head off unappeasably. First piece of humble parenting pie among so many to come!
My children are not perfectly behaved, not anywhere close. They throw fits, they tell me no, they fight with each other like crazy....It's been a whole lot of trial and error where training and discipline is concerned and every day has a new challenge to work through. And just when you think you've got something figured out another kid comes along who chunks that very thing to the curb.
But I do believe it's getting easier, like the sweet lady at Kohl's said it would, but not because my children are getting easier, but because I'm learning to let go, change my expectations, pick my battles, keep my cool, ask for forgiveness when I lose it, bribe if needed, and try not to care if others think I'm a horrible mom who can't control her kids (you know those judgy eyes in the grocery store when your kids are throwing produce out of the shopping cart or having meltdowns because you won't buy them candy).
3. Peace and Quiet
I'm letting go of my hopes for quiet morning coffee, quiet car rides, quiet conversations with my husband, quiet phone chats with friends, or quiet anything for that matter. I'm embracing the noise. The giggles, the little boy car sounds, the high-pitched singing, the noise making toys that my husband is always hiding....I know I'm going to miss all those sounds someday.
4. My Ideal Weight
This has probably been the most challenging area for me to let go. I always pictured myself as one of those #fitmommas, but turns out I'm more of a #tiredmomma. I do have a gym membership but have to admit that there have been multiple occasions where I may or may not have dropped my kids off in the kid care just so I could go take a shower in peace and watch Lifetime movies in the women's lounge. Being healthy is still a priority and I feel so much better when I'm eating well and exercising regularly but, again, #tiredmomma here, and those choices are so much harder to make when you're running on empty. And when you live with boys who love pizza and cheeseburgers. So in the meantime, I found a really good sunless spray tanner to hide all the cellulite.
5. My Expectations for Sleep
I was always the type that needed (or thought I needed) my 8 hours of sleep. I honestly didn't know how I was going to function with a newborn who had his days and nights mixed up and wanted to nurse all the time. So at first, I tried to control it by reading all of the sleep training books that I could. They all made it sound like such a piece of cake, promising my newborn would be sleeping 12 hours through the night by two weeks old (insert eye roll). All that did was make me feel like a failure if it didn't work right. That, along with people constantly asking, "Are they sleeping through the night yet?" And even when my babies did finally start sleeping better at night, momma didn't because my sleep cycles were all messed up, my boobs were engorged, and I was constantly checking to make sure they were still breathing.
But it honestly gets easier and somehow you really do just get used to living on less sleep. Moms are resilient that way. And for some, coffee and a good concealer become life essentials! I mean, even Elsa said to "conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..." that you only had 3 hours of sleep last night.
6. My Desire to be a "Better Christian"
Before I had kids I was able to be very involved in my church, contributing in any way that I could. And I loved being a part! I know that so much of the church is run on volunteer service and is so necessary. There is so much reward in serving others and living outwardly but, thankfully, I've learned that this doesn't define a person by how good of a Christian they are. And I know there will be seasons where I'm able to play a part again, and there are many moms who are able to make it work even with small children but, in this stage of life, for me, it's a miracle if I even make it to church on time (especially with a husband who works many weekends). And the few times I have tried to help out, I spent more time chasing my toddlers around or breastfeeding in a corner than actually being a help. So right now, my goal is to make Sunday mornings a priority because it's something I value (even if I'm 30 minutes late most Sundays), be involved where I can, but give myself grace where I can't. And to remind myself daily that God is "gently leading those who have young" (Isaiah 40:11). He sees me, He knows my heart and motives, and He's GENTLY leading me in this wonderful but very challenging season of life.
7. Close Friendships
I might have considered myself a good friend at one point in life. That was until I got married and had all the babies. I always get a chuckle talking to other mommy friends on the phone or during playgroup..."Oh, did I tell you about...CLAYTON! GET OFF OF YOUR BROTHER!...What was I saying? Oh yeah! The other day I....CONNOR! GET OUT OF THE FIREPLACE!..."
So, I have all of these great intentions to connect with friends at nap-time or after bedtime buuuuuut, I'm desperately just wanting some "me time" which usually consists of me pretending to fold clothes while watching Netflix. And then being intentional about time with my husband on the days that he is home.
I'm so thankful for the grace that friends extend and for those who get it but I do miss those sweet friendships and "girl time". I'm hoping that one day, when the kids are in college, we'll actually get to have that long chat over coffee without having to blow noses and break up wrestling matches.
8. A Stylish Wardrobe
I've had to let go of this for multiple reasons: 1. I stay home with my boys so we live on one income which doesn't leave tons of room for new clothes all the time, 2. Yoga pants just make life easier so that's pretty much all I wear and 3. Shopping with toddlers? No thanks! Now my clothes shopping pretty much consists of me throwing a $5 tank top in my Walmart shopping cart on my way to check out!
9. Me Time
I wish I would've gone into motherhood with less of an expectation for "me time". It just doesn't look like it did when I was single and childless (obvi). It would've saved me a lot of frustration and tons of pity parties if I would've learned sooner how to hold loosely my desire and need for alone time (see my previous post on being a mommy and an introvert) but learn to savor the rare moments that I do get to myself.
I believe very strongly in mommy needing time for self-care in order to be healthy and a blessing to her family. And it does take some planning and creativity in order to factor that in, especially with babies still on the breast and when your family doesn't live close by. But realizing that the moment you hire a babysitter and plan your first outing sans kids, someone could inevitably get a sudden stomach bug that puts a kink in your plans.
I'm getting better at shrugging my shoulders and saying "Oh well, maybe next time" (with the occasional good cry in the bathroom).
Tips for Letting Go:
What about you? What things have you struggled the most to let go of and what are ways that you have adjusted?
This has been an incredibly hard week on the mom-front. My husband has been working an insane amount of forced overtime where we have very limited contact, my youngest developed a nasty stomach bug (in the middle of the H-E-B produce section while my 3-year-old was running around like a mad person smelling and taste-testing all the produce), my oldest had a horrible cough that kept him and I up multiple nights in a row, having to deal with rude customer service people on the phone (twice) while trying to handle normal adult stuff with screaming kids in the background destroying every square inch of our house....you know, the usual.
Last night, in the middle of cleaning up more vomit, I asked my husband if he had to work the next day, daring him with a death-glare to say "yes". When he ashamedly said he did, I immediately unleashed my disapproval, lashing out at him and those responsible for taking him away from me. I started telling him how hard this has been on me and that I didn't think I could take another day. He let me finish and then, in his usual gentle manner, said, "I know babe. This is hard on all of us." I realized immediately that I hadn't even taken time to think about how hard this was on him. He was the one getting up at 4:30 every morning, working 12 hour shifts in the Texas heat for the 7th day in a row, coming home to a complaining wife and sick, fussy kids that he had to help feed, bathe and put to bed with only minutes of down time before he collapsed himself.
All of a sudden my eyes were opened to my pity party that I'd been wallowing in all week (and much longer, actually) and I realized that this was why it had been such a hard week. Not because of the circumstances, although they were a little harder than usual, but because of my attitude. I started thinking about all of those who have it harder than me. I started thinking about the mom on Facebook who has been living in a hospital room with her 8-month-old almost since the day she was born with a rare heart defect. I started thinking of military wives who have to send their husbands off, many times not knowing where they're going and not knowing if they'll ever come home, going days without any contact at all. Or the single mom having to do it all by herself, day after day. Or those longing to be a mommy, but battling infertility and loss, years on end. When I think about my problems in light of these women, and so many more, I am changed. My perspective of my life and my attitude is changed.
But the thing about it is, being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done, and there are no rule books that teach you how to do it. Every day is a new, harder challenge than the day before. Mom instinct is not really something that has come naturally to me. I have second-guessed (and googled) almost every decision I've ever made as a mom. And just when I start to think I might have made a good decision as a parent, someone posts an article on Facebook telling me that it was wrong and that my child was going to have long-term brain damage and probably grow up to be an addict because I...let them sleep in their bed, let them sleep in my bed, let them cry while I went to the bathroom, sternly told them "no-no" for grabbing a knife out of the dish-washer, made them sit in time-out because they slammed baby brother's hands in the toy box, (fill-in-the-blank and insert eye-roll).
Yes, being a mommy is hard. But I realized this week, the thing that often makes it so much harder is my attitude. Attitude is everything! Somewhere along the way, and I don't think it's just me, our culture has decided that everything needs to be easy. And, when it's not, we start blaming others and feeling sorry for ourselves, oftentimes exacerbating our problems. I teach new mommies and daddies in birth class how much our mind and our attitude about birth can affect our labors. Sure, labor is hard, and I am the first to admit that. But when we are stressed and fearful, we release stress hormones that can actually make it harder, slowing the labor process and even reversing dilation, leading to the need for medical interventions. I know this is a hard concept to grasp but when we are able to really shift our thinking about labor from thoughts of how hard it is, how much it hurts, etc...to how natural it is, that our body was meant for it, that we ARE strong enough, and that the pain has purpose...then oftentimes (not always but oftentimes) it starts to become more manageable. And I must mention that sometimes we need help in this process where our attitude about labor is concerned. There are many tools that we talk about in class that can help a laboring mom do this, from having a good supportive team, relaxation, training in different comfort measures, different laboring positions, etc...
And what an incredible preparation lesson labor is for being a mommy. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's painful. But I was meant for this role and I am strong enough! And the pain, the challenges, and the hardships are all a natural part of this life with so much reward at the end of the day.
A friend of mine called me shortly after her 3rd birth and asked, "Can I process my birth with you?" There were some things she was feeling unsettled about and just wanted to talk through it all. Did it change her birth outcome? No. Did I have some great words of wisdom to help make it more of a positive experience? No, I wish I did.
The birth of our babies is a wonderful, miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime experience and this is true regardless of how it happens. Many people have the mindset that, if mom is healthy and baby is healthy, then that is all that matters. But in the same way we often talk about the "wedding of our dreams", it is normal for a mother to have dreams and desires about the birth of her baby. But sometimes, for varying reasons, birth can be unpredictable, for some it can even be traumatic, taking turns that weren't expected, leaving a sense of disappointment, and even a sense of loss.
Grieving often occurs after a loss and if you feel like you lost something, the opportunity to birth the way you had hoped, the ability to be more in control of your birth choices or to bond with your baby the way you had pictured, then its natural to feel a sense of grief, however small it may be.
One of the steps to healing in the grieving process is to talk about your grief with someone. I am a huge verbal processor. Sometimes I will be processing an experience and feelings will surface that I didn't even know existed. And just talking about it brings healing and closure. So I encourage you, regardless of how your birth went or whether it was your first or fifth birth, to find a trusted friend, family member, your spouse, or grab a pen and journal if that feels safer, and tell your birth story from start to finish. And it is perfectly acceptable to mention that you don't want any advice but that you're just needing a listening ear.
Here are a few questions that can guide you if you aren't the processing type (maybe have your friend read through this list with you as you respond):
On December 30th, 2015, my actual due date, I woke up with my first contraction around 4:30 am. It makes such a huge difference, in my opinion, whether you go into labor at night or in the morning after a night of sleep. I felt rested and excited! My bags were already packed and my appointment was already scheduled for that day, at our Birth Center which was two hours away (the same one I had Clay in 2 years prior). My mom was already staying with me because we had hosted Christmas at our house and she was going to hang out until baby arrived. David was coming home from working a night shift and because my contractions were mild and I had a sense it would be a while, I made him go to sleep. He would meet me in San Antonio later that day.
Labor, Shopping, and More Labor
Around 8am, my mom, my two-year-old Clayton and I headed to San Antonio for my appointment where they confirmed I was in labor and the on-site chiropractor adjusted me one last time. And then I said "see you later" to my midwives and went on my way. One of the things I often tell moms in the early stages of labor is to try and get out of your head. So often, when those first contractions hit, we tend to get worked up and over-think things, psyching and wearing ourselves out emotionally. It's so important to stay relaxed and as stress-free as possible so I attempted to do just that. We dropped Clay off with David's parents who live on the outskirts of San Antonio and Mom and I went shopping and just tried to enjoy the day. Shopping was relaxing and distracting and helped me to stay active and upright as much as possible. I didn't call anyone and I stayed off of Facebook because I didn't want people messaging me all day asking if baby was here yet. At one point we were walking around an outdoor shopping center and my mom said she noticed that baby had dropped big-time! Contractions were definitely coming on stronger and more consistently but I was still in good spirits and managing them well.
To the Birth Place We Go
At about 4pm, David arrived in San Antonio and we met at Jason's Deli for a snack, parted ways with my mom, and headed to the Birth Center because I was feeling the need to rest. David and I attempted a nap but the contractions, while they were still manageable, were intense enough that I wasn't able to sleep. But it felt good to lie down for a while and David helped me with some of the relaxation techniques we had learned in our birth class. By about 7pm, my midwife sensed that labor was slowing down a bit so she encouraged us to get up, go find some dinner and get moving again.
My Secret Weapon
We got in the car and, because it was pretty cold outside, I turned on my seat-heat as we drove to search for a place to eat (although my appetite was starting to dwindle). I still, to this day, believe that seat-heat was my secret weapon in getting things really progressing! Two speed bumps later, and my mild contractions turned into David having to stop the car through each one of them. We drove for a bit and decided to stop in Cane's to get a quick bite of chicken but our dinner date ended up with me wanting to spend the whole time in the bathroom. Transition was hitting!
Get Off the Toilet!
David scarfed down his chicken, forced me out of the bathroom and back into the car and called our midwife to tell her we were heading back. It was 9pm and I went straight to the bathroom where all I wanted to do was close the door, sit on the toilet, and labor by myself. I know it sounds weird, but it was what felt the best to me at the time. It kept me upright with my pelvis open and bladder empty, and allowed me to stand and support myself on the seat when contractions hit so that I could sway and work through them. It's so amazing to me, when left to choose for ourselves, how our bodies will tell us what to do during labor that allows for the most optimal laboring position for each individual birth. With my first, I didn't want to leave the hands and knees position, supporting myself on my birth ball for a large part of it. After about an hour of laboring on the toilet, I had a sudden urge to feel down for baby's head but I kept it to myself because I didn't want to get my hopes up (or anyone else's) if I still had a ways to go. After laboring in the bathroom for about an hour and a half, contractions were starting to feel unbearable, so David and my midwives gently encouraged me to get in the tub. Changing positions in labor is important but there comes a point where the thought of change or movement of any kind sounds overwhelming to a mom, which is where a good birth team comes into play. They can sense when a change might be necessary to help keep things moving along.
A Dreamy Water Birth
Oftentimes, when women are left to labor naturally, they will use sounds to help manage and breathe out their contractions. I made it in the water and continued "sounding out" my contractions like I had been, but almost immediately, my sounds changed (they were more throaty, pushy sounds). My midwife noticed and encouraged me to go with it and give a push. With my first birth I never felt the urge to push, nor did I enjoy anything about it, so I think, subconsciously, I was avoiding and even a little fearful of the pushing stage. But as soon as I followed her instructions and gave a good strong push, not only did it feel really good, but baby's head was crowing! It took a total of three pushes before my baby boy, all 8lbs and 22 inches of him, was born in the water as I caught him with my own hands! It's funny, my labor lasted quite a bit longer with this one than with my first (19.5 hours as opposed to 15 with the first), but it was so much more manageable. I wouldn't have changed a thing about it!
At 3:30am on New Year's Eve, we were packed up and cleared by our midwives and heading to David's parents' house. I wanted to be there when Clayton woke up so that he could meet his baby brother. Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I had seeing my TWO boys meeting each other for the first time! The whole experience was just incredible and I can't think of a better way to bring in the New Year!
When you think about your birth experience, does it make you smile? Do you cringe, or is it a memory that you treasure? I'm not just talking about the moment that your baby was born but the experience as a whole. From the moment you walked into your birthplace, your time laboring, your interactions with your care providers, your interactions with your significant other and family members...what would be the one word you would use to describe this memory? I love talking to mamas and hearing their birth stories. I have talked to countless women as they describe their experiences to me. Surreal. Painful. Beautiful. Scary. Quick. Long. Healing. Intense. Traumatic. Birth can be so many things.
My first birth was hard. It was tiring. There were sweet moments and then it would get hard again. It was long and even complicated at times. And it was incredible. But in the midst of all the ups and downs and roller coaster of emotions that I experienced, because my husband and I took an in-depth comprehensive childbirth class, I felt more-than-prepared for it all. I knew that birth could be hard. I knew it could be exhausting. I knew that it could be unpredictable. I knew that there would be moments that I would want to give up.
But I was prepared for those moments. I was prepared with techniques to help manage the pain naturally. I was prepared for dealing with the exhaustion. I was prepared mentally to combat the fear and doubt that I would face. I was prepared to know how to choose a care provider that would support me and my desires for my birth. I was even prepared for the possibility of needing medical intervention and how to make informed choices about those interventions should the need arise.
My husband was prepared as well. He knew what the stages of labor would basically look like, and how to support me during each stage. He was prepared to support me physically, through comfort measures, as well as emotionally, through affirming and encouraging me. And when our baby was born, we were prepared for those first precious moments of breastfeeding and bonding.
It was because of this preparation that I can also say that my birth was empowering! I googled this word and the definition I found that I loved the most was "to make someone stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights." This is exactly what my birth experience did. Because of my childbirth education, I was more confident going into my birth, confident of my body and what it was capable of. I was empowered to make informed decisions about my pregnancy and birth instead of someone else making them for me.
This is why I became a Birth Boot Camp Instructor. I wanted other mommies and daddies to step into their birth prepared, confident, and realizing that same sense of empowerment. Knowledge is power and that especially applies to childbirth!