"Can I Process My Birth With You?"

A friend of mine called me shortly after her 3rd birth and asked, "Can I process my birth with you?" There were some things she was feeling unsettled about and just wanted to talk through it all. Did it change her birth outcome? No. Did I have some great words of wisdom to help make it more of a positive experience? No, I wish I did. 

The birth of our babies is a wonderful, miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime experience and this is true regardless of how it happens. Many people have the mindset that, if mom is healthy and baby is healthy, then that is all that matters.  But in the same way we often talk about the "wedding of our dreams", it is normal for a mother to have dreams and desires about the birth of her baby. But sometimes, for varying reasons, birth can be unpredictable, for some it can even be traumatic, taking turns that weren't expected, leaving a sense of disappointment, and even a sense of loss.

Grieving often occurs after a loss and if you feel like you lost something, the opportunity to birth the way you had hoped, the ability to be more in control of your birth choices or to bond with your baby the way you had pictured, then its natural to feel a sense of grief, however small it may be.

One of the steps to healing in the grieving process is to talk about your grief with someone. I am a huge verbal processor. Sometimes I will be processing an experience and feelings will surface that I didn't even know existed. And just talking about it brings healing and closure. So I encourage you, regardless of how your birth went or  whether it was your first or fifth birth, to find a trusted  friend, family member, your spouse, or grab a pen and journal if that feels safer, and tell your birth story from start to finish. And it is perfectly acceptable to mention that you don't want any advice but that you're just needing a listening ear.

Here are a few questions that can guide you  if you aren't the processing type (maybe have your friend read through this list with you as you respond):

• ​How did you feel when you went into labor? Scared? Excited?
• What did you love about the early stages of labor? What memories stand out to you upon first going into labor?
• When you arrived at your birth place, did you feel well received by your care provider and birth team?
• Did you feel supported by your family and birth team during labor and delivery?
• Were there moments that you felt peaceful? Out-of-control?
• Is there anything that you would've changed about your birth environment? Did it feel safe?
• What do you remember about pushing? Was it a positive experience? Did you feel supported during this stage?
• If you used medical interventions, what was that process like? How did you feel upon administration? Were you able to be in control of your birth choices and make them with confidence?
• How did your birth team receive your baby? Was it a celebration?
• What are your memories of your first interactions with your baby? Is there anything you would change?
• How did you feel leaving your birth place? Prepared? Scared? Supported?
• What do you wish you would've known going into your labor and birth experience? Something you wish you could've approached or done differently?
• What are your favorite moments from your birth?
  
• What are your favorite moments after the birth?