"Can I Process My Birth With You?"

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A friend of mine called me shortly after her 3rd birth and asked, "Can I just process my birth with you?" There were some things she was feeling unsettled about and just wanted to talk through it all. Did it change her birth outcome? No. Did I have some great words of wisdom to help make it more of a positive experience? No. But sometimes birth can be unpredictable. And sometimes we place such high expectations that end up not being met. And other times we feel like our expectations are, in a way, stolen from us by members involved in our birth who might have had different ideas about how it should have played out. A lot of people think that if mom is healthy and baby is healthy, then mothers shouldn't have anything to be upset about. But sometimes, for varying reasons, birth can be a traumatic experience and can even lead to a type of post-traumatic stress. And to place guilt on a mom for feeling this way can have a tendency to cause her to suppress those feelings which has the potential to lead to degrees of postpartum depression. Grieving occurs after loss. And if you feel like you lost something, the opportunity to birth the way you had hoped or to bond with your baby the way you had pictured, then its natural to feel a sense of grief, however small it may be. One of the steps to healing in the grieving process is to talk to someone about your grief. So I encourage you, regardless of how your birth went or  whether it was your first or fifth birth, to find a trusted  friend, family member, or grab a pen and journal if that feels safer, and tell your story from start to finish. And I think its ok to mention that you don't want any advice or for them to fix it, but to just be a listening ear. I'm a huge verbal processer. Sometimes I will be processing an experience and feelings will come out that I didn't even know existed. And just talking about it brings healing and closure. So tell your stories with someone you trust. Talk about the moments you loved and the moments you didn't. Here are a few questions that can guide you if you aren't the processing type:

• ​How did you feel when you went into labor? Scared? Excited?
• What did you love about the early stages of labor? What memories stand out to you upon first going into labor?
• When you arrived at your birth place, did you feel well received by your care provider and birth team?
• Did you feel supported by your family and birth team during labor and delivery?
• Were there moments that you felt peaceful? Out-of-control?
• Is there anything that you would've changed about your birth environment? Did it feel safe?
• What do you remember about pushing? Was it a positive experience? Did you feel supported during this stage?
• How did your birth team receive your baby? Was it a celebration?
• What are your memories of your first interactions with your baby? Is there anything you would change?
• How did you feel leaving your birth place? Prepared? Scared? Supported?
• What are your favorite moments from your birth?
• What are your favorite moments after the birth?
• What do you wish you would've known going into your labor and birth experience? Something you wish you could've approached or done differently?